Saturday, April 23, 2011

My worst nightmare

It is Spring and the eve of Easter, and I sit here wondering where is my son, what is he doing, is he in jail, is he alive?? How did this happen? what did I do wrong? there is nothing anyone can say to me that I have not said to myself. I have read the books, done the therapy, gone through the grieving and denial, nothing is working. I don't even know who my son is anymore....

12 comments:

  1. Thank you. I am not used to this kindness after being shunned by family and friends for so long now. I can't blame them for not wanting to live my misery with me. He just called me for Easter. I saw the caller I did and hesitated. On one hand, so thankful, the other apprehensive. I am afraid to open this door again. I fear not having the strength to tell him no again, every time I do, he calls me horrible names, threatens me, scares me, quilts me. I answered, apprehensive, I think he sensed it. He has yet to apologize for any of the past verbal beatings. He sounded like he missed me in a way, almost like a little boy again. I avoided saying anything about jobs, money, cars, made sure to tell him how much I loved him....got off the phone and cried.

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  2. Now I am feeling guilty, maybe I should have reached out more, asked more questions, it was almost as if we were strangers, all these emotions, afraid to trigger, but afraid he may think I don't care, so confused.

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  4. Thank you to all of you, your words, stories and support have been more of a support than months of therapy. Now comes the night, when TJ seems to get in the most trouble. I don't like the night, I sleep with the phone on my pillow and clothes on my chair ready to go, "just in case" It is so hard with him living with his father, and me never knowing what is going on with him an hour away. In the beginning I thought it would be easier with him further away, but it's not. I am learning there is no "easier" My days are planned by the "what if's" I don't want to travel far, visit far family out of state. I have put medical issues on hold because "what if he needs me" I don't know how much more my mind, body or soul can take...

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  5. First thing this am, as usual, onto your FB (that I made an alias and you accepted, so you have no idea it's me) I'm obsessed with your page, as much as it frightens me, and I see things I don't want to know, it is my lifeline to you. Your post this am "runnin' scared" "I'm shook" my mind races, my instinct is to call you, protect you, but my head is screaming not to. Are you thinnking I am not an option? I don't love you enough? My heart is aching. What did you do? are the police after you? or worse? It's gray and raining outside, the view outside my kitchen window a reflection of my sadness, gloom and doom. You have taken me with you into your dark world. I have not eatin in three days, forbidding myself to eat, what if you are hungry, cold? where is your shelter in this storm, figuratively and literally? In an hour it will be 3pm, bus number 58 will pass on by, not like a few years ago, where I would be waiting for you with fresh brownines or cinnamon buns, so anxious to see what you learned at school today, instead she just picks up steam, as if you were just a memory,a ghost from the past, she reminds me of you everyday, we used to call her Lucy, your school bus. I hear her coming and my heart winces everyday. I used to love her, she brought you to me, your arms would squeeze me with anticipation and excitement to tell me about your new science project we would be working on, eager to pick a dinner menu. I miss you, you that I used to know.

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  7. It has been over 24 hrs, no one knows where you are, no one has heard from you, this is what you do, except this time you're scared, I have never known you to be scared. I am scared for you. I keep telling myself,today was the first really nice weather day, so at least you are warm, how pathetic is that? Your best friend was posting about shooting up and smoking meth, what should I be thinking? Lucy went by as usual today, this time she seemed to sneer and whisper to me....I've been sleeping in your room for such a long time now, but I started to put a few of your things away. All your hockey and baseball trophies are boxed and waiting for you. Everything,everywhere is a memory. The only way home is past the baseball field where you pitched so amazingly, coach Jose and John had such dreams for pitching. I can see the mound from the road, empty,wishing I could go back for just one day, maybe just one more conversation, one more hug, one more high five? Most days I feel like this is all just a bad dream. I miss you, I love you. I wish I could carry this burden for you.

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  8. TJ has surfaced, but it's not good. I am going to meet him for lunch next Wednesday, for the first time ever, I am apprehensive. I feel as though I have been gaining strength by NOT seeing him. When I see his face I get weak. Does anyone understand what I mean?

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  9. You're bruised and bloody, sore and tired. You wont tell me what happened to you. But I know, I saw the video that was posted. I told you they weren't your friends. When you do drugs, you have no friends. My baby, I am supposed to protect you and i couldn't, but I would have tried. It's a Saturday night, I am lying in your bed, your scent no longer on your pillow, as hard as I tried to save it. Gazing at your hockey pics on your dresser, wearing your old sweat pants, trying to hold onto any part of you I can salvage. You look at me as if I am a distant memory, do you see me in that fog? Do you hear me, do you remember? "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine" Palpitations in my chest all day. I cry out to God and the Virgin Mother, surely she feels my pain??? I hate the weekends, I hate the nights. You're gone again, I have no idea where, to me, the bowels of hell. I'll dream of you tonight, I always do, I'll see you there.

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